say with me.

deja-vu.

and this is how it unfolds.

I've not been here for quite a while.

It seems like I've lost the motivation to post here, because everything I say is what I feel, do and think, but not exactly what consumes me so much that there is a need to say. I've never been that expressive on this platform, not only because I know that so many people might read my posts, but because the special struggles and memories and not meant to be stored in a virtual space but in hearts which I place my trust in.

Recently, each vessel and vein in my beating heart have been screaming out for oxygen. I'm lost beneath the comfortable atmosphere, gasping, writhing and falling. Yet, there are hands which clench me tight. I know this does now make much sense, but please bear with it while you are reading. If there are people who still read my blog anyway.

Recently, I've been thinking how tough it is for us to believe there is a purpose when things do not go our way. I don't believe I've been very materially disappointed this year. In fact, I've got almost everything I could have asked for. Yet, observing everything around me fall out of place, I cannot help but wonder why. It's so easy to say let it go because there is a greater divine plan. But the reality in everything is that it's hard, and it hurts. I ask God why, and although I know that I know the answer, it's not all that easy to believe and take in.

I remember a chorus of a song which I used to love, which goes:
The plans you have for me
Will prosper and not harm me
So I trust you with all my heart
Wherever I may be
May my destiny be fulfilled
My testimony revealed
The reality of Jesus
Unveiled through my life
For all to see.

How I wish it was so easy to believe.
Yet, I try. We try. Knowing that it WILL be done.

I don't know how to express how I feel anymore.

It hurts.