this is shaping up to be a super duper uber long blog post! because i've been super duper uber busy that i have no time to blog for so long! so now i'm left with so many things to blog about: training camp, PSL training, PB farewell, orientation camp prep and * stuff * (all of a sudden i don't really feel like blogging anymore but i'll do it anyway)

Wednesday (Boxing Day)
I don't get to enjoy boxing day at home or with relatives like everyone else ): i spent boxing day in the school LT giving countless briefings to the new prefects! arrived in school at 7am (early D:) for the first day of prefects' training camp, where we were there more to train than be trained. the day was pretty much quite boring until we decide on impulse to have a NEP vs EP soccer match during lunch, which brought about a 30+ vs 20+ mad scramble on the asroturf between those two goalposts. more stuff until the night where we played booking game! * i lost my voice almost *rushed camp proposal in the night and slept.

Thursday (PSL Training)
skipped almost the whole day of RIPB training to go for PSL training. besdies the normal stuff we always do, i remember mr eng's speech in particular. he spoke about the Rafflesian ethos and spirit. Giving the examples of a rugby and judo final, he spoke about the great spirit Rafflesians once had, and now has faded away. I understand where he was coming from as i see this occurance with my own eyes too. The Rafflesian Spirit has just become an intangible mass of words floating and being tossed around in the air. It is spoken about sometimes, but rarely put into practice. Every time i feel so much for the Rafflesians in the sporting arena, in competitions where they are doing their best, i don't know how many others have the same sentiments as myself. As senior student leaders of 2008, it is our task to re-ignite this spirit. always easier said than done i acknowledge, but never impossible. This spirit is way too important to let it fade away. If we all start the search from the inside of us, we will see just how this has the ability to bloom, to flourish to prosper.

mr eng also talked about houses. about how houses should not just keep ideas to themselves and fight for the ever so competitive championship but rather, be willing to share ideas and practices. the result being each house able to function better, the school being able to function better and therefore a spirit being cultivated. there's no doubt it's always good to win, to put in a strong fight in everything we do, but how much sacrifice is worth this price? no doubt i want to win, to bring glory to moor house, to let the sec 4s leave the school on a high note with their heads up high. but at what price? i can say it honestly now, i'm probably the person who agrees the most with the idea of sharing practices, ideas. after all, what is house for anyway? is it just another platform for us to compete, beat opponents down and win? i think it's far more than that and far more than what words can describe. i'm willing to walk the tightrope between competition and cultivation. i'm willing to lay down pride and build lasting ties. i'm willing to share systems, if only the school would be a better place. i know this sounds idealistic, but if we never try, we would never know. maybe it's time for the 2008 batch of house captains to be pioneers. to do things people have never tried before, to gain result so unthought of, to lead each house not only to glory but in a way we know that everybody gains in the end. it's tough. i know it is. but it's necessary. moor08 will be a year none of us will ever forget!

it was the most encouraging speech i had heard the whole year. it really drove me forward in preparing for 2008. the rest of the day was spent explaining the SLO (or SLN in RGS) which will be pioneered in RI in 2008. had millions of discussions and all. after the long day ended, we joined back RIPB for some games and debrief. here marks the end of PB training.

Friday (farewell)
honestly, i'm quite disappointed with the number of people who turned up for the farewell. after all, the sec4s are the very people who spearheaded the board for the year 2007, who gave us the experience, who mentored us along the way. and yet, so many didn't even turn up. but with the numbers we had, we had fun i can say. waterbombs were fun because max bought 1000+ waterbombs for so few people, which gave each of us ample ammo. i soon got tired of the bombs and started using the pail, which could hold much more water. initially, the fight was just among PB. then suddenly, the badminton people came and so they joined in too! i don't know why. so i gave my dear ex-HR head law jia hao a nice pail of water (: heh. that's when it happened. i was trying to chase down boontiong when matthew tjoa tried to turn on me and threw a bomb? (i can't rmb) at me. i continued chasing and boontiong or matthewtjoa (i don't know which one, i think boontiong) said: "__________" i knew it was a joke so i just kept on with the fun. it's wasn't till later then i realised that it didn't seem right. even if it was a joke, or a random sentence, it wasn't funny. and i don't know, that got me confused ):

anyway, soccer follwed after we cleaned up the field to leave no trace of us! and then dinner with the sec 4 RIPB members for the final time. one last time. they left. me, zongyi, jianxiong and yuda styed to talk. we left. the school was quiet.

i was back in thinking mood. alone.


the wind is cold tonight. i place my face outside of the window pane and the gentle breeze caught it. cold winds make for a good setting, one which brings you back to things of the past, things so uncertain. i'm feeling that sense of uncertainty now. I'm very unsure. I'm very scared. I'm worried that one day, all will be lost. I'm .....

there are no words to actually say now. i don't know what to.

maybe all this is just wishful thinking? i've no control.

help. would you?

sunday: went with everyone to AMK hub after church for lunch. amazingly, it's the first time i've ever been in the place, apart from going in to buy breadtalk after church some time back. AMK hub is big and scary! okay, maybe not. but it's crowded! had lunch there and celebrated zi xiang's birthday (: i can't believe he's sec 3 next year already. haha. after that, some of us walked around hub and then decided to go back to novena! yes, novena which used to be a weekly sight for us all (: there was this cute ice-skating thingy in the middle of novena square! and i was trying to look for things to buy, to no avail ): oh oh oh, and i must thank yenhui for making me laugh so much during the day! i can safely say no one has ever done that before! hahaha.

monday: ikea. fun. long train ride. that sums it up (: heh.

now to thank all the people who wished me merry christmas (in chronological order) (:

christmas eve

benny
thao
quy anh
zewei
claire li

* clock strikes midnight *

amanda
yingjie
michael
kengchee
linan
jianxiong
gerald tan
kelmond
kangjie
junyong
jon lian
jia jin
&church people

thanks everyone :D sorry if i missed ouy anyone ):

i need to run now! uncle's place!

i survived reporting day! yes i did!

but i must say that today was very chaotic in school. in a sense. although everyone seemed to have praises for the event progress. GOOD JOB KENGCHEE (: pe sales were messy. but it isn't anybody's fault. im personally quite disappionted with people who can't realise that they have to queue up to buy stuff or don't realise that pe uniforms are hard to sell and take time. to keep it short, it was just messy. i don't really want to talk about it anymore now. but let's not talk on the bad side of things okay!

there were these parents who actually took the time to see what was going wrong and tried to suggest ways to make the situation better and all (: and there were also really patient and understanding parents there! y'know, it's really these type of things which make a tough and tiring job so much easier.

& so we worked till 1, had lunch then went for briefings. nothing much more happened today. nothing worth noting down i guess. except for the semi-flash flood in the middle of the afternoon which was like super big when only 15 mins had past D: good thing it stopped quickly! after a day's activities, i'm back here rushing stuff and typing this at 2am.

i may be missing, the feeling, here.
i may be thinking, the touch, life.
i may be breaking-down, all too fast.
i may be crying, missing, thinking, breaking.
miss. miss. miss.

Christmas shopping finally! didn't pick up that many things but oh well. at least it's something!

narrative:
met jon ng and hongfei at city hall mrt at 12. met kangjie. walked one round around the basement of Raffles City trying to find something to eat! but in the end, we couldn't decide (as usual) and so decided not to eat yet. jon wanted to go to get guitar stuff so we followed him until we realised the shop was closed ): met danny. public holiday! we randomly felt hungry and walked up 5 floors in funan just to eat lunch. a long and interesting conversation followed over lunch where we talked about so many things. decided to go to orchard after that so we took mrt down. bought cards from orchard popular then went to taka. browsed through guitar books in kino and then bought more cards. went to art friend to buy paper (: jon had to leave to go prawning with his uncle. me and hongfei walked around randomly and went to paragon in the end. walked around for a million year and went to toys r us. which was really small. wanted to go home but ended up in heeren. met claire. met yingrong. met zeb. was about to go home when shanzhi said he wanted to come orchard to find me. met jason. met dixon. met shannon. met bryan. so waited at the mrt for him and then went back to heeren. met mooty. got bored and went back to taka. met random sec 2. walked around in taka for a while. met huaboon. then went outside. met jonlim. went wisma for fun then went home. long day!

i still need to go shopping on sunday and monday! who wants to go with me? :D

and i have loads of christmas cards to write now! how am i gonna finish?

talked to jonlim just now for quite long about so much stuff. last year in RI and first year in RJC for him. about RJC council. about life and all. made me realise so many different things, aspects and opinons. well, one final push for one final year.

been thinking about so many different things recently. things i see all around ignite my mind to think about stuff. things happenning around me, circumstance. things not happenning around me, absence. what counts more? what hurts more? y'know, it's really complicated. when heart and mind conflict, it's never good. never. but that's what life throws out. God help me!

i hate rumours.

i hate hypocrites.

i hate empty words.


day 2. i'm keeping you in prayer tonight. that you'll forget all the stress and worry and rest in God's arms today.

i met daniel lim today on the train after a long morning in school. yes, the daniel lim i haven't seen for like a super long time. and i must say he's changed so much in almost every aspect i could imagine. i'm quite happy i got to catch up with him for that 5 minutes from bishan to yiochukang. but this led me to think how much people can change within just a short amount of time. 5 years down to road, whould i still know all the people i know now the same way? hmm, another question for another day i guess.

i'm realising the holidays are passing really quickly. really really quickly. now it's already the 19th of december and come the 2nd of january, we'll be back in school as sec 4s! scary but true! there are only like 13 days to the start of the school year and there's so much stuff still to be done! [i wrote some stuff here but evil blogger deleted it and i can't remember what i wrote]eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

20: christmas shopping ( i really need presents and cards!)
21: sec 1 registration day
22: christmas evang. service (:
23: christmas evang. service (:
24 christmas prep/shopping?
25: CHRISTMAS :D
26-27: RIPB training camp
28: RIPB farewell
29: main camp briefing/run-thru D:
30: church + camp stuff
31: life group gathering
1: last day of holidays and first day of 2008 :D

i don't even know where to start. believe me, i really don't.

i'm going to start with something more normal this time. the calm before the storm? let's hope it not to be yeah. okay, here begins (a) rather long paragraph(s) of narrative of me & my life. let's hope it's not too boring! lots of hope going on today huh.

i finally got my black shoes today! just in time for the sec 1 registration day this friday where all the future Rafflesians would be reporting to the school (: new beginnings for the new year ahead! my old shoes have died a natural death after being used by me ever since my RIPB investiture in early 2006. finally, one more thing off my mind. but i still got to get my casual shoes since my adidas grand prix has broken ages ago ):

last few days have been spent alot on our christmas drama (: haha so much work and effort has gone into i, i pray it all pays off. and i promise you the drama would turn out beautiful when you (whoever is both reading my blog and gonna watch it) watch it (: i'm thankful the expectation and anticipation is rising in me slowly. thank God for planting more of the burden of this generation on me i guess. haha, christmas 2007 :D anybody wants to come to my church this christmas? i welcome you with as many arms as i have (:

(:

is this a smile? does it symbolize happiness? does it mean the person who drew this is happy? does it reflect true emotion?

or is a ): hiding behind this smile? is the (: just a mere pretense for everything that is? is this smile another act of hiding, of the covering up of the truth?

each time a (: is seen over msn or a msg, you don't know how real that smile is. there are some people i know will not give a false smile. but how many can there be? the majority can always throw at you smiles coated with a sadness, smiles masking the frowns, happiness covering all the tiredness. and the thing is, you'll never be sure.

it's never certain how true a smile is. its never certain how true anything is when you only see the word which describes it but not the speaker or the true emotion. more often than not, people tend to hide. to dump their insecurities, their real emotions somewhere in a closet and only reveal the side of them which doesn't seem vulnerable. that's the side they want people to see because it makes them look strong, not feeble. it makes them a hero in the eyes of company, not a weakling. it makes them feel more secure, when actually it's not true. it's makes them all they dream of.

but when all the masks are slowly being peeled off. when the outer coating slowly starts to fade. what's left? what's left is all there was before, minus all the false pretense. why is the world like this?

that's why i don't like the truth in msn. for the very reason that it's so easy to be what you're not. hiding behind the computer screen, putting on pretty masks to hide all the tears and sorrow and then appearing strong. recently, i really don't know how many of these words are what they mean to be. i don't know people's true feelings. i rather pick up the phone, make a call and hear voices. i rather be face to face, see expressions and all pretense is removed.

i thank everyone who has been true even on msn. i really do.
& it's these things which make me trust you all more and more.
even a sad truth is better to hear than a happy lie.

oh well. i realised i was tagged by yuda years ago, but took an equally long time to finally get down to doing this. well, at least it's a break from all those camp stuff!

1. Do the following without any complaints.
2. Choose 5 people to do this after you complete yours.
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard saying he/she has been tagged.
4. Alternatively, IM the person on MSN/AOL/windows live/whatever.
5. Start your post with: I have been tagged!

Favourites
Colour: Red/Purple
Food: sushi, i think.
Movie: well, the biggest one has got to be Lord of the Rings. but there are so many others (: so far, only a chinese love story has made me cry.
Sport: Soccer!
Day: Depends what's happenning on that day :D
Season: We don't have seasons! but it should be winter i guess.
Ice-cream: banana? butterscotch? haha my mum always buys the same flavour so i don't get much choice)

Current
Mood: Reflective.
Clothes: White T-shirt & Blue shorts
Desktop: rather messy ): then again, it isn't even a desk.
Time: 10:30pm
Surrounding: handphone, wallet, 2 guitar, CDs, jacket, raffles wristbands, camera, calendar and a whole host of other things. no people thankfully.
Annoyance: my thoughts.

Firsts
Best Friend: wayy back before primary school. can't rmb the best friend though. joel?
Movie: i have really no idea!
Crush: i don't wish to bring up things of the past?
Lie: *thinks hard* * can't rmb the first*
Music: sunday school songs (:

Lasts
Drink: Plain Water
Car Ride: home from church
Crush: *hmmmmm*
CD Played: Casting Crowns "The Altar and the Door"

Have You Ever?
Dated one of your best friends: i haven't ever dated
Broken the law: well, i haven't been caught
Been arrested: nope (:
Been on TV: some food gameshow when i was really small. "watch eat!" i think.
Kissed someone you don't know: why would i?

Randoms
5 things you are good at: you all tell me ><
4 things you have done today: passed shoujian the present to mail to vietnam, did ushering at church, played a little with facebook, wrote an email.
3 things you hear right now: running water somewhere in the house, some sound from outside the house, fan rotating.

5 people to tag: nah, i'll skip this (: do it if you feel like.

it's always difficult when you look through blog entries of the past.

it's almost as if a whole host of emotions would overcome me at the same time. memories of past happiness, sadness, disappointment, triumph, comfort, confusion and everything else relevent.

i really see how complex the human mind can get, how easily the human emotion can be hurt and how different humans might be.

i am brought back to places where i once stood, circumstances which my heart was once placed (and sliced) in and things which i held so dear, which have since faded away with each crimson sunset.

i realise how friendships have crumbled under the pressure, how i have been unfair sometimes and just how much i didn't see enough into people sometimes.

each blog post just evokes a vastly different emotion.
it expedites a different kind of feeling and response.
it makes me think differently, at the ends of the spectrum.

y'know, if i really could turn back time, i won't know where to start. 2007 has been a year of challenge. i've gone through so much this year and i can't say enough. it's been tiring and trying at times, yes. but so many things have gone on. i want to change.

but that's the past isn't it?

i choose to focus on the present now.

to finish this year strongly.
to start 2008 well.
to strengthen bonds between friends.
to treasure the strong bonds i have.
to not see myself crumble again.

thanks everyone for all your support (:
i reallyreally treasure people that matter (:

that's mid-december 2007 for you.

-i'll be posting another post on 2007. & of the forecoming 2008. soon.

it's already the second week my church has moved into the angmokio/yiochukang area. and for the first time today, i realised that it was a longer than usual walk from the mrt station to the building! oh well, at least it was nice and windy today (: and since i knew the route and all, the walk took me about 10 minutes only. (okay, this was random)

anyway, i was really sleepy in church today! was sort of a result of our moorhouse comm camp finishing this morning only. which left me with effectively only 2 hours at home before rushing out for church. but i'm really glad that God spoke even through the tiredness and blurness (: alter call was good today because i just received so much. and i hope it would stay this way now. give me the burden of my generation!

i'm back from moorhouse comm camp (: i guess that in general, this short camp did allow us to bond and to get to know each other better. especially since some of them didn't know almost all the other EXCO members before this. hopefully after this, there shall be no more name mix-ups! haha i especially like it when "james" becomes "jason" sometimes :D thinking back on the past days since thursday, i can say that the objective of team bonding has been fulfilled to almost a 100%. through all the playing of games, random talks and squeezing too many people into one room (shhhhhhhh! >< ) and even the longlong bbq when we tried three million ways but really couldn't start a nice fire ): well, these all have been useful.

not discounting the deep importance of team bonding, i have to reflect on how much the other "planning" side of the camp has been fulfilled too. even though we had the discussions we wanted, i felt we could still yet have got more out of the time spent. the focus wasn't there as much as i wanted it to be and therefore, we couldn't go as planned! honestly, i'm slightly disappointed, not only with the way some parts of discussions went but also with some people for their attitude and contribution. as a whole, all of us could have done better and i hope all of us know it.

our house comm has really got to be focused in 2008. each member must understand the seriousness in the midst of the fun in each house activity. yes, it requires committment and passion, but it's gonna be worth it. guys, we gotta give it our best. we gotta pick ourselves up each time the house falls, and come back stronger again. we gotta never give up, press on till it is all over. we gotta give of our best to ensure that the house it at it's best too. but we gotta remember not to become over-competitive, not to be too secretive to the point where we treat things too seriously and also to make sure we have fun as moorhouse (: this is the red storm rising.

rain.

when you stare out at in, your mind just goes into cycles of loss and thought. it's almost as if it brings you back in time, brings you back to the memories whihc you cherish, or had wanted to forget. either way, all the skeletons seem to be dragged out of the closet. well, that's the rain for you. fortunately, i'm not being emo today (:

haha. the last time i saw such heavy rain was before i left for vietnam. the rain came and left only in the wee hours. it left an impression on what i thought. this rain is different. i'm not really thinking now. i'm not feelings the same feelings. i'm not sad. this time, i just want to observe the rain. and as it rises and falls in its thunderous intensity, well, it speaks for itself.

well, the rain isn't the only thing on my mind now. perhaps more importantly, there's house stuff. moor stuff (: we're having moor house comm. camp/chalet tomorrow and so i shall be on a three day hiatus from here. and from msn and everything else. i think. i hope to be able to really set down what we want from and for the house next year as we give it all one last push for all we've got. it's all i can give already. it's the final year and so we press on. we press on.

we are fiery and formidable.

on another note, i've been thinking about house stuff in general. about the meaning of house, about its purpose and what we can do with it. honestly speaking, nobody really cares THAT much for house stuff anymore. all of it is really lost in the sea of stress and fatigue which all RI students seem to endure. it a chore to attend house stuff now, no longer a joy like what it should have been. aaron said that ms cho said that house stuff was meant for people to try stuff outside their own CCAs. but that has been lost. and to an extent, i can't agree more. the competition has built up to a level where all we care for is a win. not the fun, if there is any. not the process. not the relationships. but the end result.

it's scary to see the path house stuff is going down. who knows if in a couple of years time, this whole series of events might just morph into your average competition where all that matters is a win. everything is getting too secretive now. everything is slowing falling away, it seems. i don't want this to happen. next year must not be a year of fight. yes, fight comes in the process, but what is most important is we redefine the true meaning of what house activities are for. what is the house system really there for.

then we will find the answer ourselves. and we can then be champions in our own right.

well, this leaves me with lots to think about. all in all, i hope all this just works out (:

and so i'm back here. and i haven't been able to update on vietnam trip, RCC moving-out or prefects' retreat. y'know, come to think about it, there are just too many memories to capture, too many thoughts to share and too many times to cherish. i don't think i can even document it all here in this blog. i don't think i'm going to post detailed posts about these things anymore. if you really want to know more, msn/msg/face-to-facetalk. i think that'll work better. if not i won't even know where to begin !

for the vietnam trip,
i really just hope that all the bonds and friendships we built up over the 14 days won't be broken so easily. yes, we're all talking on msn everyday now but who knows whats gonna happen a few months down the road when everything is in full blast and everyone is busy? honestly, i feel i have not forged that close bonds as some of the others have. and i kinda regret that too. i mean, i'm not even going to see most of them again ever (although i really hope to meet everyone again). but on the other hand, i'm thankful i didn't get tangled up in anything too complicated over there. oh well. still, i don't want any of this to end anytime soon. the reality is, it's muchmuch easier to break a friendship then to be able to sustain it ): and i don't want anything to be broken. it's so easy to wake up one day and find out that yesterday was the last day you actually will talk to a person. for a long time. [it happened too many times before]

so please let me hold this rainbow for a longer time. i don't wanna let it fade away. i don't know how we are going to sustain everything, but it's worth the try. it has to be. for all that 14 days was worth, it was worth a lifetime. yes, a lifetime and friendships which hopefully will hold. it's scary when i see myself fading away and losing touch with some people already. but i tell myself, it's worth it all. yes it is (:

for RCC moving,
byebye 19 Moulmein Rise. won't be seeing that place for two years. and when i come back, i'll see a new church building in place of where the old one once stood. although i didn't exactly grow up in the church like some of the others did, it really hold so many memories for me. and these memories will all only have a place in our mind when this current building is torn down. memories of the physical building itself, of events which happen and also of people which come and go.

places like the back field which was our soccer pitch all the time.
the basement holding memories of JSS, BULBS and BREAD.
the sanctuary where God moved time and time again.
events like all those evang. services we had.
all the dramas we staged on the old small stage.
all the times we stayed over in church for camps and adventure unlimited.
all the watchnight services in those early days.
people like the JSS people and teachers.
the people from BULBS, BREAD and IGNITE.
the people from revival generation.

and so much more. including all the services.
thank God that even though the physical building is being torn down
everything else still remains (:

for RIPB retreat,
don't really have that much to say for this. only that it was loads of fun (: besides all the normal activities, i think the highlights were playing FIFA late in the night, watching champions league in the middle of the night and falling asleep, going into the "scary place where they serve drinks and there are others there", soccer! and most of all going to the airport at 7am to welcome back those history/geog RA guys! it was really fun going to the airport and doing such weird and crazy stuff (:

moving on, i'm really stumped for words right now. i've got so much to say which would fit a few password protected posts. but i don't know what to think about now. all i can say now is:

"people tend to say they're okay even when it's not true"

it gets me confused. people wear masks all the time.
i don't really like it. but i know not everyone can tell me everything.
i wish it could happen. but i know it will never.
masks never held anyone. never.
i learnt that the hard way.
but am i still doing it?
am i guilty?
i don't want to be. help me try.

i don't want to do a cover-up act.