& i realised that in the midst of my busy schedule, I've not had time to properly sit down and thinking through the issues which have been clouding my mind. Once things slow down a little, I'll need to settle my mind down quickly, make some decisions, let go of thoughts and move on with life. I'll need some time to struggle with myself, and decide on a balance of letting my heart and mind reign. I need to make things right.

because that's that way it is.

& becasue I realised that I very much prefer phone calls and face to face talks than msn/sms talk. Maybe it's the sense of reality and sincerity in it all. Maybe it's because I can better feel and sense what the other party is feeling. Maybe it's becasue it's then when I can say things i don't want to say through msn/sms. Hearing voices is so much better, all the time. But sometimes, it just isn't possible.

Live with it, theodore. Live with it.

I guess this really just sums up everything which we felt during the APCG week. This is on the blogs and msn display pics of many of the APCG facils and participants alike. I'm hoping too, that it's gonna live on in our hearts for a long time to come. For the facils, we committed our hearts to this from the offset. It took more than two months to put everything together, still quite amazing because of the fact that we were total strangers to each other right at the start. Like i said duirng the final group debrief session in PGPR, at the start "I looked across the table and didn't know anybody", and the start was not all that smooth sailing as well. The whole process didn't start off as i envisioned it to be, and there were a fair share of problems to be resolved at first.

Exactly 70 days on, the 50 of us are sitting in the PGPR multi-purpose hall, with APCG having come to a close. We watch a photo montage, we reflect and then it all come to a close. Back on that day, I still harboured a sense of disbelief that it was all over, the weird feeling that we would never have to plan anymore activities for this again, the sadness that we would no longer need to meet and stress over everything we needed to do. It was for me, a great sense of accomplishment, yet a overwhelming feeling of sadness. I realised that i had grown attached to this entire process, the group of 49 other facils and the experience as a whole. From the start, we've all come a really long way to where we ended up. We ended up united, as one. I'm really going to miss everything for what it was worth.

I really hope these bonds don't break so easily. As the passage of time passes us by, it's just natural for us to all fade away. Fade away into our busy schedules, fade away into our own lives of comfort and fade away into our own worlds. Be it participants or facils alike, I don't want any of it to fade away. I'm being brought back to HCI 13th SLC, when we though ECNE would stay strong forever. It worked for a while, but very soon, the contact just wasn't there and we seem so immersed with our own lives now. Last november, during OIP Hue, we built bonds across culture and country which we tried to sustain for as long as possible. Maybe it's true that all the miles can just seperate, because it's really so hard keeping up with everything. Slowly, we started to fade away. After just 5 days of contact with our participants, would we be able to at least sustain a basic relationship? After 70 days with each other, what would we facils do after it all ended? Although forever is a scary word, let's not fade away!

I sincerely want to thank everybody who has made this experience so wonderful and magical for me! I'm thankful I got to know the people I already knew before everything started even better. I'm thankful for the new people whom I've known. I'm thankful for everyone who made me happy. I'm thankful for everyone who cared. I've got many many things to thank people for and to say, but I'm not going to squeeze it into this post. & I'm thankful for my BG co I/Cs and logistics I/Cs! joou and jocelyn! & jocelyne, juan, darius and daniel!

I'm not going to blog a day by day post, because of the simple fact that there is really too much to say for each day! Although we didn't get as much interaction time with the participants as I would have liked, the times we spent were always fruitful and meaningful. 5 full days took a toll on our energy levels, but ultimately, it was fulfilling.

It's more than a week on from the end already. & I still feel as if i want more of apcg, more of those people who make me truly happy. thanks for the memories (:


BANZAI <3

sorry to everybody who has been coming here and expecting a post about APCG.
I've just been really busy, and haven't really had time to blog.
I promise a post after Drama Feste is over (:

and because, it really hurts me to see you this way.

I can't believe that day 1 of APCG is starting tomorrow!

all the planning.
all the preparation.
all the effort.
all the committment.
all the energy.
everything.

it now comes down to this one week (:

let's go people, we'll make this APCG rock!

I wanted this to be a really long post, but I can't really seem to force anything out of my mind right now. It's like I'm having the feeling of some sort of emotional melancholy. Perhaps, it's the fact that APCG is coming and ending so soon. It's leaving me sitting here and staring at this computer screen, counting down the minutes before I need to go to school and meet the APCG people. And then, I hope i'll be happy, again.

I really just feeling like talking to some people now, so much that it'll make me forget everything else on my mind.

tag replies!
[chris] yes i finally replied! and i'm replying again now, before it piles up again xD
[amanda] haha you haven't done it yet!
[elizabeth] heyy haha okays! it was the spur of the moment, really.
[kangjie] oh well, complicated things like these. thanks for tagging anw!
[amanda] i can't wait too (: APCG!
[yenlin] i can't remember all the words! but well, apcg (:
[joy] not intended! haha okay maybe it was xD

and finally, i heard this song yesterday. It's really quite beautiful, but i don't know what i'm supposed to make of the lyrics. That's becasue they're quite, cutting. If you would say that.

Guilty - Blue

I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything I need
I never wanted anymore than I can see
I only want you to believe

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty

I wanna give you all the things you never had
Don't try to tell me how he treats you isn't bad
I need you back in my life
I never wanted just to be the other guy
I never wanted to live a lie

If it's wrong to tell the truth
What am I supposed to do
All I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty

Girl I followed my heart
Followed the truth
Right from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all I have to say

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
Then I'm guilty

What am I supposed to do
Then I'm guilty
All I wanna do is speak my mind
Gulity
Then I'm guilty
I'm prepared to testify
If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
I'm Guilty

in the midst of everything which is going on in my life now, i suddenly thought of this song today. don't ask why, because i don't really think i know myself. but it's a beautiful song. one which can hold memories. though not always ones which i desire.

At The Beginning
We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
I know that my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

in the end i wanna be standing there, still going strong.

because the last few days have been crazy.
because there seems like there's not air to breathe.
because sometimes, pressing on isn't the easiest thing to do.

but i still do.
i believe in this.
i believe that the finish line's in sight.

we all have to learn to press on.

it's only 6 days to the start, 10 days to the finish.

i'm really just standing in awe of how time flies. it really seems not too long ago that 50 of us SFs were in the RGS CLC receiving out first briefing, instructions and groupings. that was 60 days ago to be exact, 2 months. back then, none of us had a complete picture of what was going on. none of us had much idea of what was expected of us, of what we would need to do and plan and of how this whole journey would turn out. back then, a glance across the table would lead me staring at a face i did not know.

i started out as part of BANZAI, originating from this hand game which i have unfortunately forgotten how to play. i need someone to teach me again. i had never seen half the group before in my life, perhaps the reason behind the awkward silence on the first day. but we slowly warmed up to each other, slowly broke down the boundaries and slowly opened up.

i always have looked forward to everytime there was an apcg meeting, and i still do now. each time we meet up as a group or as a mass of us, i can sense this feeling of joy (pun unintended)! as in, it makes me really happy hanging around you people (: and in addition to that, apcg meets for many many random reasons. trips to botanic gardens, rehearsals, group meetings and dry-runs, briefings and update sessions. even though there is always alot of things to do and take into consideration, i've never looked back since accepting this role as a SF. never looked back.

i guess i'll post more about this after apcg itself! but for now, i'm looking forward to the last prep session on sunday. and then on monday, the main event begins! it's going to be a real crazy week, with many many things to juggle. but i want to be a good facil, a good groupmate and a part of all these (: even though i can see the end in 10 days time, i really don't want it to. i'll really miss all the meetings and all, because i know i'll surely feel empty somehow. but as the time draws closer, we shall see how everything plays out.

banzai! shoujianyenlinzhuoyangwencendariusyenyeekieranjeanhuijocelynjoyelizabeth. we gotta press on until the end. because we done such a good job so far (:

as joou says, there're not going to be any full stops, just many many commas. in this journey.

i opened up this window and my mind went totally blank.

i can't stop thinking about things now because things just seem to always remind me. even the smallest remark or the slightest joke causes me to think about what actually is going on now. i'm confused about it all, what's been going on, what i don't know.

i realise how fast people can fade out of your life. maybe somehow, i've not in the past held tightly enough. or maybe it was just not to be, not to upkeep, not to maintain.

i've gone though things like these before and i don't like to play around with this topic. there isn't a point, and i think that it's just so immature to do what all of you all are doing now. immature. it's not wrong, but it becomes so in the eyes of others. don't they understand.

and i don't know what i've been writing, all along.

forget it, it isn't worth it.