I'm never able to withstand all the fires and flames of my life alone.
I'm weak, makes mistakes sometimes, and I fall.
I'm far from perfect, making mistakes, doing myself injustice.

I just want to thank everybody who really cares;

Because it matters, it really does.

there are times when we wonder why certain things happen, why things have to turn out in a certain way.

there are times when through actions and reactions, we are able to perceive through facades and touch the reality which may often be hurtful.

there are times when we are so certain that things would turn out the way we planned, but the outcome leaves us disappointed, contemplative.

in our close surroundings, things change so quickly that we are hardly able to keep up, sometimes. the reality is that almost everything's changing. we see people change and fade away, we see dynamics within groups shift and change, wee see a complex world before us. & with this change comes challenges, conflict. with these changes come letting go.

maybe "disarray" would be an apt word to describe the state in which things move so fast, that we ourselves are left confused. maybe that's what this post is as well, confused. but after being the witness of a turn for the worse, a conflict which was never to be and countless masks being pulled on before my very eyes, there comes a point when I guess we are justified to question.

this year has been one filled with thinking, not to deny. but through it all, I can safely say that I've grasped a better picture of everything, a more rounded view on life. I know what exactly occupies which space in my life, and what I know I can hold on to. as the world zooms by, as our life flies by before us, we can't let ourselves fall into a state of disarray.

we have to be strong. we have to embrace what we hold dear in the midst of this beautiful mess.

and even though things move so fast, I still believe that there are things which do last forever ;

anw, I think that I owe quite a few tag replies to those who kindly tagged on my blog! ohmygosh, these replies are too long overdue!

[kieran] haha do you think you're right? xD
[candy] hi hi!
[anonymous] haha yeah i did! it was funny what!
[huong] hey haha you too! thanks!
[han sheng] ehh, I never sleep in the first place okay!
[kangjie] haha lately I've just had this urge to blog more. see, now it's dying already.
[clement] lol, what's that supposed to mean man?
[chris] haha I've gotta sustain it! sudden urges to blog compel me to blog xD
[hcir] haha yessssssss!
[zijie] haha yup sure!
[amanda] i took super long to do this too! haha your answers aren't queer la (:
[fiona] umm, only one? haha sorryyyyyy.
[briant] lol! then are you saying your good side is even better! xD
[joy] secret (: haha you wanna know?
[nigel] lol! you blur what! what can i do about it -shrugs-

I don't know how to say exactly how I feel.

; I need you now.

because this super secretive thingy is going around now. because I was very interested. and because I promised chris that I would do it when she gave me the questions. so here are my answers! you can ask me if you want the questions xD

1. amanda, celestine, isaac chay
2. daniel tay, nicholas chee.
3. zongyi, yuda
4. keng chee
5. shou jian, jon lian, yen yee
6. jon lian, nazyra
7. amanda, chrisanda, isaac chay, kieran
8. yenlin, chrisanda, celestine, joou
9. shou jian
10. amanda
11. isaac chay
12. claire
13. biquan
14. juanmin, joho
15. kangjie (he'll kill me for this one xD)
16. junyong, yenlin
17. matthew
18. chrisanda, nazyra
19. tessa, sharon, chrisanda, yenlin, zongyi, kangjie, yuda, kengchee...
20. claire
21. fiona
22. o.O
23. paul tern
24. brian
25. isaac chay
26. kangjie xD (gosh, he's gonna kill me again)
27. junyong, jon lian
28. meijia
29. apcg people!
30. happy wondering why your name is placed next to that particular number (:

disclaimer: this isn't all inclusive!

I'll Stand By You - Carrie Underwood

Oh why you look so sad
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

Oh I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you

.
because I really care ;

A butcher, sells meat.

It is his bread and butter. It is what he is skilled and experienced at doing. He knows exactly what to do, where to makes the chops, and executes it with utmost skill. He has always made his living selling meat, doing what he does best. Sometimes, people name him as the best butcher the town has ever seen. He is respected, a little overrated perhaps.

One day, at the point when demand for meat is at its peak, at the point when it matters most to the people that the best butcher provided them with the best service, the butcher quit. Instead, he made a switch to selling fish and becoming a fishmonger. Nobody could understand his decision, as to why he wanted to sell fish. To make things worse, the replacement butcher could not carry out his job properly, causing much discontent. The original butcher himself could not even sell fish properly, as he was too used to selling meat and the skills which were involved in it. There were no winners in this situation.

Finally, the people convinced the butcher to reverting to what he did best, selling meat. They had to persuade him to not sell fish anymore. Things were better now, and it was to the benefit of everybody. Things were better now, hopefully.

To most, the matter was resolved.

To some, the butcher's acts would remain their minds forever. Perhaps, it therefore cast a different light.

don't know ;

"We will all come to the point in our life where we have to admit that we feel defeated, that something has conquered us. We must change, not because we want to, but because we desperately have to. We can not take life in its current suffocating state, even to admit such desperation shows that we are feeling deserted, wandering the barren desert, a shell of our former selves. It is only up from here, it is impossible to sink any lower into ourselves or our circumstances. But we can be salvaged, a deliverance. No vice can stand, no fix can take. The thorn in the side can be removed, but you have to be willing to admit and surrender. Surrender your habits, your lifestyle, your past, your present, and your future. This is your new surrender. The new surrender."

-Stephen Christian, Anberlin.

i'm sorry to those who talked to me on msn tonight, or last night rather. was feeling a little out of sorts, so sorry if I haven't been replying properly.

feels like tonight ;

apcg outing updates will be up soon! sorry!

but for now, I'm currently very very addicted to this song!

Whenever you Remember - Carrie Underwood

When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won't forget

[Chorus]
Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we've done
I hope you're proud
When you look back and see how far we've come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they'd see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no we won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Yeah, Oh

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
You know that we, we showed them all
And no they won't forget

Yeah

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember
Oh, whenever you remember

tag replies, by the way
[joy] haha sorry! but white doesn't look as nice. hahaha (:
[joou] jo! haha sorry that was very random! but i was very amused at your use of the word!
[kieran] haha yeah, he looks pro right?
[nellie] where got emo? O:
[momo chan] haha i think nobody knows who you are! apcg yessss (:
[claire] amazing isn't it, considering that it rained every other day in the week! nice (:
[max] haha next time! if not the police will arrest us for illegal gathering la!
[jessica] haha thanks! and thanks for tagging (: jiayou for your invest prep!
[celestine] i think so too (: awwwww!

apcg post, soon soon soon!

tomorrow's the APCG gathering and I'm quite happy about it! seems like a million years since I saw all of those people, and seeing them again tomorrow would be good, surely. i really hope enough people do turn up tomorrow! seems like alot of people can't come already. the only problem is that is has been raining almost everyday this week, and I sure hope that it doesn't rain tomorrow! ECP isn't as fun when there's the rain around. no rain okay, mr weatherman? xD

also, I just finished uploading some very very very very delayed pictures from apcg on facebook. and those photos really bring back some of the memories of everything. term 3 really was such a tough term, yet one that passed ever so fast. I don't know how to feel. oh well.

anyway, this might just grip my heart. even though they're only robots.

and this, is in anticipation for tomorrow's outing (:

Rain - Breaking Benjamin

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Broken - Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

if i can't accept fate,

then why does fate have to accept me?

heyo! I'm like in the middle of my september holidays right now, and I'm slacking so much! haven't really been doing alot of work, and I've been going out alot (which is what the holidays is for anw). but I'm very very glad that I actually have time to rest and escape from school at least for this one week. I badly needed the break. well, so here's a rundown on what's been going on for me these few days!

Friday (290808)

after leaving school at 0015hrs on friday morning making cups for teachers' day, we had to be in school by 0630 again. it was quite a mad rush to properly sort out all the cups which we had designed the previous night, but we made the deadline in the end. just! managed to last through the last teachers' day celebration of my life in RI, with it being rather interesting. it finished quite early though, around 9am. I think overall it was quite a success, considering that the response was quite good. and also because the team really didn't have alot of time to work out the stuff, and alot of the stuff was really last minute. but congrats to Shaun Yeo and team (:

anyway after the celebrations, we had to do some clean up. thanks to zhiyou's vacumm cleaner, we cleaned up the hall in a flash! then popped by kemama shop to play some table tennis with the 4k guys before going to play pool! oh man, the table tennis table really reminds me of the time i used to train in potong pasir CC when I was really small, and the times I would play at the void deck of the HDB block where they have really old tables there. table tennis rally with 4K, fun!

so after that, we went to dhoby ghaut to play pool! the last time I played pool before this was way back in june, so I needed to un-rusty-fy my skills. thankfully, this session went okay and I came out of it quite happy! after that we went to burger king to have lunch, where we sat and talked about random stuff for close to 2 hours, before going to the cathay to browse for a while.

Saturday (300808)

went to ECP! we had quite a secluded spot near the end of the jetty, so we had quite alot of space to ourselves. which was really good, cause we wanted to play things like frisbee and soccer. so we started off with playing some very random games. RANDOM! we had this scavenger hunt thingy where one of the items were 2 coconuts. so me, hongfei and kuanyue walked super super long to find somewhere which sold coconuts, seeing that there was not a coconut tree in sight. in the end, we found coconut can drink -.- at least it was better than nothing.

then after more random stuff, we finally could play soccer! the ground was slippery already to start with, and then it started raining. so it was really wet, but then we still continued to play. I got quite tired from all the running up and down and falling down. but for soccer, it's always worth it I guess.

the scenery and the sky was quite nice, after the downpour. I took a while to stand by the beach and take in the horizon and what I could see of the sunset from the east coast. It's really been a while since I stopped to stare at such beauty, and it felt quite good. I love the portraits the sky can paint with its colours, because it just dazzles me with its beauty. and then I went to sit on the beach, and take in the waves and all. I just love it, really. I felt so free, for that moment.

Monday (010908)

I overslept! okay not good, not good at all. I was supposed to be in school at 10am, so i woke up at 9am. but then I stupidly accidentely fell back asleep, until 11am when shanzhi called me. sighh. so I went to school to meet shanzhi, mooty and zhixuan for some tennis/table tennis, but we ended up playing only the table version in the end. seriously, that table is going to bring back all my childhood memories I tell you!

had to go meet up with some of the other guys to do lit comedy soon though. me, shanzhi and mooty crashed shoujian's house so that the three of us could go there to discuss our own group's production as well, seeing how we are all quite worried about it now, but having no mood to do anything actually. so in the end, true to our word, we ended up not doing lit! we went to watch some random video about some swimmer and then tried to make a booking for "the cage". then I had to leave already.

Tuesday (020908)

CAGE WITH 4K GUYS! haha super fun (:

even though I wasn't exactly feeling very very physically fit, I still managed to play alot and enjoy quite abit. In the middle of one game, I pulled something in my knee and behind my calf, but then I ran it off and thought it was okay alr. haha Shanzhi's brother (shanquan), Sean's brother (seth) and jianxiong all crashed today.

went to dhoby Xchange to have lunch after that, and we sat at the same table as the last time! haha randomly coincidental. and I think I ate the same thing too, although I'm really not too sure. shoujian wanted to go and buy his bag after that, so we followed/tailed him around plazasing for a while scouting for nice stuff! then we went to play pool, again! this time I took even more nice shots (:

Photos: "The Cage" in BW, Group Photo (I'm in red, 2nd row far left), Dhoby Xchange Lunch, Wayne, ZhiXuan, Wayne (trying a cool backhand shot!), Junyong, Shanzhi.

so that's pretty much all for my holidays so far. sorry if this post has been too narrative. but i'll update this blog way more often. 'till the next time something interesting crops up (:

thanks to chris for reminding me, here are the tag replies!
[jonlian] that's very very true. sighh.
[joy] yay, thanks joy (:
[chris] of course I was! haha what did you think it was?
[amanda] haha don't worry amanda (: and yay, apcg outingggggg!
[yenlin] why not?
[yuting] haha yes my nose! it has stopped running away now alr though.
[claire] wow, thanks from tagging from bangkok (:

the word of the day today is: palatable. courtesy of joou (:

the quote of the day: me "i'm stoning", one-who-does-not-want-to-be-named "then i'm paper. i win you."

thanks also to jocelyne for the spell check! haha (:

a personality is a neverending cycle of change.

it changes according to circumstance.
it changes according to the people which it interacts with.

it yearns to find a perfect self which its beholder will cherish.
it yearns to seek an acceptable face to present to others.

and then, it changes.

everybody's changing, as the passage of time passes.
putting on different masks, makeup and facades. sometimes.

still, who we are at heart should never change.
we have the choice of what we want people to see, of us.
and what they see, if what they will believe.

I really thought I knew you, but now?
What's left as we let the sands of time trickle by?
You've changed, like every other person.
It's drastic though.

Or maybe it's just me.
Maybe I never knew you in the first place.
Perhaps, I never let you in.
Perhaps.

Do I still know you now?

It all makes me wonder.