this post is going to be pretty incoherent because of the fact that I've almost just got back from a pretty tiring day in school now. thankfully, 1am is still pretty early for me. well, we were pretty much cooped up in the PB room for the whole of today designing and redesigning pretty cups for our teachers. the whole process was pretty tedious and pretty tiring, due to the many number of steps involved before one pretty gift adorned with a pretty ribbon each could be produces. It's pretty sad that alot of the stuff was so messily done that we pretty much had to revamp alot of the designs. but still, it was pretty fun coming up with new designs. so well, we worked till pretty late which left alot of us pretty tired and irritated, but pretty fulfilled.

I really have no idea how many "pretty" there were in the above paragraph.

YAY! but term is finally over and I can breathe a huge sigh of relief as this is a break which I personally really need. both for physical rest, for time to just enjoy myself and stop to think about things, and stuff like that. it's not a very very long one week, but at least it's a week where I can stop worrying about what's going on in school, about what time I have to sleep and wake up everyday, what's the work I have to prepare for tomorrow, etc. I've got a feeling that I won't be at home most of the time during this holidays, due to the number of things I wanna do and the number of people I want to catch up with (APCG Gathering!), but well, it's all worth it and good.

pool session after school with 4k people will be a good start to things i guess. also so, seeing that I've really been wanting to play pool for a very very long time! haha. not sure what else we'll be doing/might be doing/would try to do tomorrow, but it'll be good. and from then on, let's see what else I can make of the holidays.

on another note, there are some people I just really need to catch up with.

please, don't leave me

don't keep running away from me

you've left me so cold

to the point that I don't know what to do

do you know how many tissues I've used because of you?

it hurts sometimes, you know

can't it go back to the way things were

when everything was fine and well?

I feel so sick inside now

please, i beg of you

stop running away.


oh, if you were wondering, I was referring to my nose.
it seems to be running once too often.

i'm sitting at home right now and staring out my window at the rain which is falling outside. the sky's a shade of grey and everything outside is just so cold and bleak. usually this would make me emo, but ... ... today's no different. haha just kidding. i didn't stare outside long enough for me to start thinking about anything, actually. still, today's been a pretty dreary day as it's been raining since morning. rain, go away?

anyway, I've had so many things which I've wanted to blog about ever since the last post, but haven't seemed to be able to find the time or energy to actually document it down right here. sorry for the lack of regular updates. it's just a very busy time right now, with all the tests/prelims/assignments piling up in the very last week of the term. I WILL SURVIVE! I have to constantly try to brainwash myself because I'm just very tired and I need a break very very soon. even this post is being typed in the midst of me struggling to churn out my showcase portfolio which is due in monday. the worst part is that on wednesday, I have portfolio oral defence + math CCT + physics quiz. this is a disaster (which I haven't thought about how to cope with yet) but haha i hope that there'll be a way out, somehow.

by the way, doing up my portfolio and drafting my testimonial has really made me wonder just exactly what have I left behind after my 4 years in RI. I can recall so many high points in these 4 years, but I can also feel so many regrets, to the point that it's really all a jumble when I try to piece it all together. just like my thoughts most of the time, huh. I don't know if I've been able to be the role model I should have been, the leader which lets people look up to me, etc. and it's not helping that it now keeps dawning on me that my time in RI is almost over already. Well, I'll prob post more about this once I clear everything.

I don't feel in a mood to do abstract typing now, although I have quite alot of thoughts floating around in my mind now. guess they'll have to wait for later. but just as a last note, thanks for your concern, everybody who tagged. I'm okay, really.

[amanda] haha yeah I know! thanks alot (:
[chris] yupp! thanks chris (:
[broinchrist] & that will be more than enough. thanks, whoever you are.
[kangjie] I am! if I'm not, you'll have found a dead cat very long ago!
[chris] that's true. don't worry kae?
[zhixuan] I'm fine, no need to be worried.
[anon] i know, it's just a temporal feeling. i guess.
[jonlian] i <3 my new skin (:
[claire] ahh no emo cat! haha smile and the world smiles with me (:

so meanwhile, look at these lyrics and try to figure out what they mean to me.

So Sick - Ne-Yo
Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cause right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cause you walked out the door
But it's the only way
I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walking round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Crying over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calendar I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Don't make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Cause I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

the answer is that, it means nothing. I chose this song only for the title, which is a mirror of how i felt yesterday. Today's better, but I'm still down with fever/throat infection/flu. bleh.

but in a sense, I am sick of love songs ;

.

I'm really sorry to whoever my emoness might have rubbed off onto.

I really don't want it this way, because I want to make people happy.

But sometimes, It's admittedly just so hard.

When you feel emotions so bottled up inside,

When you feel like breaking down and just letting it all out,

I find myself at a loss sometimes.

I don't know.

But I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I really am.

sometimes, life's such a beautiful disaster.

forever embedded.

tell me, that forever means until the end of time.

have you ever had that feeling when you wake up, knowing you had a dream, but not being able to remember it?

well, my last post touched about memory and how we remember. perhaps the contrast to this post is rather apt, when we see how easy it is to forget as well. when we get up in the morning, our mind flashes back to snapshots of dreams which we had the night before. sometimes we remember small events, sometimes we remember the people involved, sometimes we remember small details. but somehow or another, I at least, can't seem to string one entire coherent dream back together again, no matter how hard i try. anti-memory?

I guess that dreams are only a mere example. maybe sometimes forgetting is the better way after all. imagine if we were to collect all our dreams and store them away, allowing us to view and remember them later. what is it which we will see? shock, fear and contemplation or happiness, joy and laughter? maybe that's why we forget.

maybe that's why the human mind is just like that. sometimes, we don't even realise it when we get hurt by certain people or events. only later, when we pull the memory out of the corner of our mind, is it when we realise that something weeks, months or even years ago could have hurt us more badly than we ever could imagine. It's true, I testify to it. these are the memories subconsciously stored in our mind, forgotten. for that while at least.

memory is always such a dangerous thing. it's able to bring about so much emotion. it's able to hurt or to heal. it's able to cut deep, just like dreams. just like dreams.

& on another note, I've listened to this song 100 times in two days.

Chemicals React - Aly & AJ
You make me feel out of my element
Like I'm walkin' on broken glass
Like my worlds spinnin' in slow motion
And you're movin' too fast

Were you right, was I wrong
Were you weak, was I strong, yeah
Both of us broken
Caught in a moment
We lived and we loved
And we hurt and we jumped, yeah
But the planets all aligned
When you looked into my eyes
And just like that
The chemicals react
The chemicals react

You make me feel out of my element
Like I'm drifting out to the sea
Like the tides pullin' me in deeper
Makin' it harder to breathe
We cannot deny, how we feel inside
We cannot deny

Were you right, was I wrong
Were you weak, was I strong, yeah
Both of us broken
Caught in a moment
We lived and we loved
And we hurt and we jumped, yeah
But the planets all aligned
When you looked into my eyes
And just like that
The chemicals react
The chemicals react

Kaleidoscope of colors
Turning hopes on fire, sun is burning
Shining down on both of us
Don’t let us lose it (don’t let us lose it...)

Were you right, was I wrong
Were you weak, was I strong, yeah
Both of us broken
Caught in a moment
We lived and we loved
And we hurt and we jumped, yeah

We lived
We loved
We hurt
We jumped
We're right
We're wrong
We're weak
We're strong
We lived to love

But the planets all aligned
When you looked into my eyes
And just like that
Watch the chemicals react
And just like that
The chemicals react
(The chemicals react)

The roads were empty, with only the sound of engines able to be heard from some distance away. The tall trees, casting shadows below, stood in the midst of the wind. Its leaves rustling in the calm breeze, while it seemed to be swaying to some sort of rhythm. There were not many lights left, but enough to illuminate the building which stood afar. Stars were out in the sky tonight. And I, stared into the open sky. The wind fast catching the side of my face, as time wore on. Into the night, once again.

It's late, but still I don't feel like sleeping at all. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I slept for 3 hours in the late afternoon. Perhaps it's just the atmosphere of the night which is keeping me up. Perhaps, it's just me.

Tonight is one of those nights when I'm in a mood even I can't explain. It's neither emo, nor happy. It neither totally hurts my heart, or makes me smile. I don't know what type of mood you can call this. But I know that being emo is no good, so i've chosen to counter this mood by trying to talk to people, by reading blogs, by doing math and physics and by furiously packing my room until every single worksheet has been sorted. And now, here I am.

Today is a day my mind keeps bring me back to memories. As I was packing my room just now, I uncovered some APCG stuff and photos. Instantly, I was brought back to that week where we had so much fun, when I was hardly failed to be made happy, when I wish it could last forever. But it can't. Nothing in this world will ever be able to bring that week back. That week, in which so many things went on. Memory, sweet memory.

Earlier in the afternoon, while I was sitting on my bed reading a book and listening to music, my mind brought me back to a different sort of memory. It wasn't a memory of events, but of people. When was the first time? I was drawn back to that first time, that last time and all the emotion in between. It is this sort of memory which made me drop my book for that while, and force myself to remember. It is also this very sort of memories which hurt, which cut deep and which make me wish that we could turn back the hands of time.

Somewhere close to the midnight hour, I was brought back to another form of memory. This form of memory were words, which held such significance for me. I don't have the time to go through them again, and again. But everything my mind flickers back to that point in time when those words were all that brought me through the day. The beauty in this is that these words are connected to people, to places and to events. It is a web of memory, which i never thought would be cut and stretched.

As dawn breaks each day, events of the past day become a memory. However much we don't wish for some days to pass, there's nothing that can stop time from moving on. We can never be stuck in a moment forever. This is how we have to learn to preserve the beautiful memories as we move on with life. This is how we have to learn to get over hurts and broken dreams as they disappear before our very eyes. This is why memories as called memories, because all we can do is remember. With joy, or with regret. And this is why I hold memories so dear, because some of them will never be able to be recreated in the exact same way, forever.

Can I ever have those times back?

Yet, I know I have to move on from here. I think I'm in a point in my life now where I must face up to my struggles, where I must wrestle with myself until I sort things out and find my answers. I'm thankful for people in my life, because I know I can't face everything alone. As in my post sometime back, I still need to sit down and sort out everything on my mind, although some things are much clearer now.

Memory.
This is how we retain beauty and pain.
This is how we move on.

I'll make it though the night.

This post is more to reply tags than anything else, really. I realised I've been lagging behind in tag replies again, and so it's due time to start replying. This is one of those times when I feel as though I have a thousand and one things to blog about, but when I just start to blog, I've really no idea where to start. No idea at all.

[kangjie] ahhh is that done? elections!
[lala] haha who're you? and have you found out yet? it's been a long time.
[chris] ahhh, so am i ):
[huiling] relinked (:
[kieran] yes I have already now!
[james] done!
[sheila] oh haha! hello & thanks for tagging (:
[celestine] yupp i will (: thanks alot!

bring on the rain and bring on the thunder ;
although I'm not sure I'll be able to stand it.

& so the most hectic part of term 3 is finally over. these 3 weeks have really killed me quite alot. physically, mentally, emotionally. hopefully, things look up from here.

How To Save A Life - The Fray
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

it's time to make it all right ;